today was hilmi's last day at work. i'm gonna miss working with him. he's fun to work with. very fun. and haqiem was not working today. oh wells. i can't believe they told him that i screwed up the cake orders. excuse me, if there's anyone who screwed up the orders its you, eugene. go away you ungrateful smug ass. i in anyway was the one who cleared up your mess and set things in order. you don't have the right to claim credit for any work done, much less to say that i screwed things up.

i'm really messed up now. and i think i'm losing my sanity. work has not made it any easier ever since you. its just weird how everythign happened at one shot. i started work and the very same day you came and told me all the shit and what not. it feel like ripping my life source away from me. but then my life source is not you. it should not be you. i need to know why i'm going through this. is this because you just simply cannot stand having me in your life. being friends is the next option that is up for grabs. and i would eagerly grab hold of it, just to be close to you. but its not the same. cos the closer i am to you, the harder it is to put you behind and move on. it just does not add up.

everyday since that day, i wake up. i slap myself in the face and tell myself, its just a dream, move on. then i go through the day, plaster a smile on my face and pretend to laugh when they laugh. and then when they talk about you, i pretend to be happy. i pretend to be interested. but really i don't want to hear about you. cos it hurts. it hurts to know that you out there enjoying yourself and i'm not part of it. i know its selfish. it hurts to know that you've moved on and i don't have that place in your life anymore. it hurst because i know that one day i have to face you and pretend nothing happened and that i'm all happy without you, better off without you. i want to believe that you're not worth it, but deep down i know, you're far more than worth it. the time that i spent with you was splendid. sometimes when i was with you, everyone around became oblivious. that feeling. something that nothing can buy. as much as i want to let go. i can't. i can't close this chapter because i will always wonder why. but then, for me to go to you and ask why, i make myself vunerable. its almost like holding your hand and taking a knife to stab myself. metaphorically.

you make me happy.

you make me sad.

who else can do that.

i want to put you behind me. i want to put us behind me.

yes gary, its an obssesion.