yesterday and today, they've been a blast.

yesterday, i went to church and blah blah blah. then i went for dinner with the takhmau mates. not all of them but some of them. hahah! yeah. at indochine. we all had a great time laughing and chatting and catching up it felt good man! so eddy told all of us to bring 20 bucks right? so we did. uhuh. except me, i forgot to draw money. yikes! so we like happily ordered, i mean carefully calculated how much it was going to cost right. so i kept it bordering around 200. so we figured the bill can't be that bad. so i ordered. then we sat there ate and drank glass and glass and glass and glass...... of water! so it came to the point where we all wanted to go... so gopi turned to me, abi call for the bill? i was like uh... okay. so i did right. and when the bill came i was stunned. i looked twice, thrice. i could NOT believe my eyes. so i just went.. guys the bill is like... erm... 489 bucks... and i guess some either couldn't hear me or they like didn't believe me so i checked again. and i realised... we drank like 9 bottles of evian water which had cost us a hundred and eight dollars yes i have to spell it out. its like DUDE! 12 bucks a bottle?!!! like... gosh my pee's gonna be really expensive man! so then we all like panicked right. and gopi the man was the only one who was smart enough to go like... hey everyone, let's just fork out what we have. we we all dug our pockets dry. i mean like DRY. and we only managed to total 300++ right. so its like... hmmm all of us were like... silent treatment for eddy now. but the poor guy, i guess he didn't mean it. so it all ended when gopi decided to BE A MAN and pay with.. VISA - All it takes. hahah! right... so then he signed and blah blah we all walked off staring at eddy and soon his ordeal was over when we all split up and went into different cars and went home. but i guess, the fun was worth the money.

so then it ame to today right. i went over to help babysit the twins. yes, my darlin' twins who are as adorable and intelligent as ever. i love, love, love them sooo much. okay right. so then we went to their gym place and damn they had fun! so then we went back to their place and they played, and played and ate and then they went to sleep. haha! so we watched serendipity and then they woke up. they're just sooo adorable you have to be there with them to see it for yourself, you can't just describe it. i just still love them. can't wait for noah to come along. hahah! three of them! just AWESOME! hahah!

its just so difficult to let go of you. i don't know why, i just feel its not the same this time. i still wish i could be...... every little thing you wanted... all the time.

disclaimer: anything you read in this post is my personal opinion. and yes, i'm entitled to freedom of speech. if you feel it is defamatory then close the window and buzz off.

you know what. i officially loathe working at SR anchorpoint. its really totally the opposite of SR plaza. in terms or racial distribution and crowd distribution. its not that i'm racist. NO! i'm not. in fact the people that cause problems at APT are the chinese. rather IS the chinese. that chinese. i can't stand your slitty droopy eyes. you move sooo slow i'm sorry to say i feel like setting your ass on fire so you'd run around like ____________ (fill in the blank). and yes, stop blaming me for your mistakes. your incompetence is disgusting and don't make me a scapegoat for it. i'm utterly disgusted that you could shout at me for doing something when you were not doing anything. you're nuts to think i'd take this shit from you for 5 bucks an hour. i'll consider if you pay me twice that amount. but then again, i might still turn you down. ah, thinking of it makes my blood boil. no, hold that - steam, not boil. which i believe is not healthy at all. haha! so there i shall just forget about it, tuck it in my memory and not bother about it.

oh wells. school's starting next monday. but like the tuesday's a hol then the thurs again. its like... okayyy. soo ANTICLIMAX. lol! but i'm really looking forward to it. learning new things!!! WHEEE! i think everyone must be thinking i'm crazy, wanting to go back to school but seriously! it is exciting. i'm not dreading it ONE bit, no, not one.

okay i just had a long talk with somebody who i admire for her management skills. and i just realised how i can never say something straight to someone's face. how do i put it. i really don't wanna go back to work. i don't. putting myself in that position where i can just loose my mind anytime. he is enough to make me go crazy, i don't need anything more. no, NOTHING. i got to tell.

somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeee meeeee!!!~

i feel accomplished that i could actually have a proper conversation with him. it feels good, gaining back a friend that i almost had lost. it really does. i like it!

then again there's the other side of life. i really unhappy with work. REALLY. the only thing is enjoy is having the company of certain people. i'm glad that desmond came down to anchorpoint. too bad he's going back tomorrow. it's really annoying that i have to take this from anyone. why did he have to pull me over to anchorpoint. if you wanna take some shit then do it yourself! don't drag me into it with you. I TOTALLY DO NOT APPRECIATE IT. and you still have the cheek to say you cannot take it and sooo you're going back and i have to stay in this place. your reason for pulling me over is very selfish. that's your problem you think you're perfect. bullshit. i'm glad i resigned. you have lousy managment despite the fact that you think you're superb. go away.

anyway, i went down early to anchorpoint today. finally did some shopping. a skirt and a pair of jeans. now what i need desperately are TOPS. yeah. but what i hate is that its so difficult to find nice tops that are worth its price. damn i hate shopping in singapore. oh yes, i need a pair of shoes and presentable slippers. bah. my pay... i can't wait. then i can go change my guitar's pick up and at the same time do some refurbishing and make it sound YUMMILICIOUS!

i still wonder what would have been. i still miss you, just not as much, nevertheless i still do. you'll always be part of my life. you're irreplaceable.

robin's right. i should just move on. how many times have i said this to myself? countless. oh wells. its always the case. i say something and i never get down to doing it. cos i don't want to... blahhh. and you all know why i don't want to. cos holding on always feels nicer than letting go.

bah. back to happy things. happy thoughts. or not so happy but rather frustrating. i'm still stuck at anchorpoint! its freaking boring?!!! like hello?! you pay me five bucks an hour to stand there and stone. come on, it can't get any better, but no thank you. bah please send me back to PS, i beg you. i like it there. haqiem, erica, zai yong, mei ling, david, andrew, jason, sakun, guan yee.... soo much better. so please let me be back there.

that aside, hmmm i dunno my life is sooo boring. i mean okay, yeah, whatever. i don't even know what i'm saying. what i'm saying is... I DON'T KNOW?!! blah. you know what, let me let you in on something. i wanna get married, and the only reason why i want to get married is the wedding. of cos i want to get married to a rich guy so i can have a nice wedding. then divorce him the next day. but that's sooo mean. haha and not like a rich guy will wanna marry me. ahha! bleah. but i'm kinda in love with weddings now. really. maybe its just the whole love thing rubbing off me. bahhh! but its true that every girl's dream is the perfect wedding. i guess. i think.

the perfect white dress, the perfect groom, the perfect place, its never rainy on a wedding day, the flowers, the bridemaids, the people, the car, right down to the forks and knives on the wedding dinner table.

dreams. have you ever sat down and thought which of your dreams ever came true? seriously. i shall start.

when i was in kindergarden, i dreamt of going to a non neighbourhood primary school. but did that happen? no. i mean after all, this kinda isn't your decision right? so oh wells. i lived with it. then when i was in primary school. i wished that i could get into a prestegious secondary school so i studied, unfortunately, not hard enough. but STC did fine for me. when i was in sec school, i competed in track right. so i always wanted to get an interschool medal, for that matter be good enough to be selected to be in team singapore. but tell me about it, i was soooo close and then there always had to be a screw up and whoosh the wind blows it far from me. then i tell myself, i need to study hard to get a schorlarship to go overseas to study. i wanted to do medicine, for real. but i never got that schorlarship and i end up still in spore studying communications. but i'm enjoying it.

its weird how your life feels soooo scripted. like it always happens this way in movies. especially when it comes to relationships. how your life is never in your hands. it is a fact, your life is not in your own hands. believe or not, your life is in the hands of the almighty.

i'm slowly letting you back into my life. i just need to salvage this friendship. its too precious to be lost. i feel that way, maybe you don't, but please respect me.

today i went for a movie with phua. just phua. it was GOAL. its kinda cool. not kinda. it is cool. beckham and raoul appeared in the show. hahah its funny how beckham's teeth are soo white. haha! okay the show was nice, but just not as nice as i expected. i expected something more adrenaline pumping. that just makes you like soccer even if you hated it. you get what i mean. yeah. but other than that it was good. well. just good.

but it reminded me of you sooooo much. i'm slowly leaving all that behind. one step at a time. all it's gonna take is time.

today's work was fine. just fine. i got shouted at on the phone. that's all. other than that i isolated myself. mind my own business and freak try to stay hell out of trouble and try to not think of you. proved to be quite effective. i'm making progress. anyway, they wanna transfer me over to the anchorpoint branch. i mean its near church and all but i really dun wanna be there. i;m used to ps and the ple here. and i'm only going to be working for 2 weeks more so why make me go somewhere i don't want to. i feel like throwing in the towel. if it were with anyone else, i'd go over but with eugene? i'm sorry i just can't work with him he's tooo proud for me. he jsut never listens. and maybe its because i'm proud too but i just can't work with him.

on the phone. another time.

today was hilmi's last day at work. i'm gonna miss working with him. he's fun to work with. very fun. and haqiem was not working today. oh wells. i can't believe they told him that i screwed up the cake orders. excuse me, if there's anyone who screwed up the orders its you, eugene. go away you ungrateful smug ass. i in anyway was the one who cleared up your mess and set things in order. you don't have the right to claim credit for any work done, much less to say that i screwed things up.

i'm really messed up now. and i think i'm losing my sanity. work has not made it any easier ever since you. its just weird how everythign happened at one shot. i started work and the very same day you came and told me all the shit and what not. it feel like ripping my life source away from me. but then my life source is not you. it should not be you. i need to know why i'm going through this. is this because you just simply cannot stand having me in your life. being friends is the next option that is up for grabs. and i would eagerly grab hold of it, just to be close to you. but its not the same. cos the closer i am to you, the harder it is to put you behind and move on. it just does not add up.

everyday since that day, i wake up. i slap myself in the face and tell myself, its just a dream, move on. then i go through the day, plaster a smile on my face and pretend to laugh when they laugh. and then when they talk about you, i pretend to be happy. i pretend to be interested. but really i don't want to hear about you. cos it hurts. it hurts to know that you out there enjoying yourself and i'm not part of it. i know its selfish. it hurts to know that you've moved on and i don't have that place in your life anymore. it hurst because i know that one day i have to face you and pretend nothing happened and that i'm all happy without you, better off without you. i want to believe that you're not worth it, but deep down i know, you're far more than worth it. the time that i spent with you was splendid. sometimes when i was with you, everyone around became oblivious. that feeling. something that nothing can buy. as much as i want to let go. i can't. i can't close this chapter because i will always wonder why. but then, for me to go to you and ask why, i make myself vunerable. its almost like holding your hand and taking a knife to stab myself. metaphorically.

you make me happy.

you make me sad.

who else can do that.

i want to put you behind me. i want to put us behind me.

yes gary, its an obssesion.

i'm suffering from self diagnosed depression.

let me tell you why i have all the symptoms except for thoughts of suicide cos, i know, i'm not ready to die. other than that. i meet the requirements.

i don't think i've ever felt so alone, although i know i'm not alone. but this is something i have to get through by myself. i mean no one else can help me other than Yahweh. but then again, maybe He has better plans.

its been a really tough few days. work has been getting on my nerves. i must quit. i must. but i dunno how to tell it to them. i'm contemplating exxagerating and making up some story. just so they won't hate me. i don't need anymore depise than i already have now. just the amount of despise i get from him is enough to send me to rock bottom. i'm sorry but i really can't take it anymore. not anyone complaining to me about who is not doing what and whatever, telling me what to do.... NO MORE! i can't do it anymore. going to work everyday and putting that freaking ugly smile on and pretending to be all happy go lucky. much less pretending to be all happy infront of the church people or my family. i wish i could just withdraw myself from this twisted reality. just for now, i wish i have short term memory - like the guy in 50 first dates. like after 10 seconds he forgets. but all i wanna forget is you. i wanna forget all you've done for me. call it ungrateful - but it really hurts to remember. maybe this is the consequence of taking you for granted. i really did, and i'm sorry. just don't do this to me anymore.

i need to forget you.

i'm losing my sanity, really.

i thought i saw him today. i mean it really looked like him. just a lil skinnier, a lil darker. then i snapped out of it. he's gone. almost forever. i've not been sleeping well this past few nights. i just wake up in the middle of the night and just think of him. i'm obsessed, that's what i am. i know i'm pathetic, yes, i am. i have come to a conclusion why i'm so affected by it. i feel like i've lost two people. other that being someone i really cared about, he was such a great friend. not the kind that is just a friend. he was always there for me as a friend. that's why i feel like i've lost two people. i know you can always find someone else to love, someone else to care about. but then such a great friend, its really hard to find. he said that we still can be friends. but i know, it'll be different. it will. i'm really at the end of me already. i'm just gonna crash anytime. one last push and that's it.

on the other hand, work's been a breeze, but too much of a breeze. pearl is gone. she's left me to suffer alone. but there's always the other part timers. i feel like if i quit, i'll owe them something. but then i really can't take it anymore. its tooo mundane, too routine, too boring. besides, i don't think i'm gonna get the nano. i really dun think i should anyway, cos anyway all it will do is remind me of him. so why should i right? may as well get something else. besides, i wanna play tennis. and working means no time or that. or movies for that matter, being the move buff i am. i have no time for anything. that i want to do. i dun have time to relax. i really should quit right? but then...

i don't know what i'm doing. i really don't i'm so affected that i'm living in a daze. i'm fading away.

okay mom's bday is over. hmmmm so its a necklace again - but this time its homemade! haha! thanks to.... Me. haha! right. okay work is getting more and more dreadful by the day cos i so do not want to work anymore. at least not for them. its not that they are not nice people, but they're just not nice to work with. but they're getting me to do so much different stuff that i feel guilty if i quit. haha unless they let me do the drinks bar or the cakes... i love doing that. rather than have to deal with shitty customers. u know i'm not very patient. okay so then there.

Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things, that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that he is strong in power; not one faileth. Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the LORD, and my judgment is passed over from my God? Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:26-30

this passage is very very encouraging. i really need the strength.

everything i need is You, my beginning my forever.

help me live this line.

i got my results. mediocracy. blah. i'm a lil happy that i passed all my mods but mediocracy is not something i find pleasant.

i couldn't sleep last night. all i could do was lie in my bed. i need strength. i can't go on like this. not for long. i'm ashamed of myself, i cried myself to sleep last night. szela, you've been a great comfort these past many days. thanks for being there for me. looks like we got something in common after all. so then i finally managed to get some sleep. and all i did was dream of you. pathethic, that's what i am.

pathetic adj. : inspiring mixed contempt and pity
insignificant adj. : Lacking in importance; trivial; Having little or no meaning.

that's the description of my being.

i'm a wreck.

you have made me into everything i'm not.

broke, broke, broke.
that's what i am. anything else i am? you know.

anwyay, work has been so boring. i mean its just NORMAL. then again its soo no brainer that sometimes my mind just wonders off to you know what.

actually i dun really feel like blogging. its so boring. i mean this is my life so what. so there. i think i shall just get lost.

but its time to face the truth...
i will never be with you.

its been a rollercoaster ride. if you caught me anytime this week, i'm either hysterical or no fun to be around at all.

work has been okay. still working towards my ipod nano - my sole motivation for working. i miss the twins. okay that was random. yeap. so then, fri and sat was the usual stuff. my results are out on the 6th which is 4 days from now. yeah. i hope i do well. but i think the chances are quite slim. but then again. oh wells. everything is in His hands. at least i hope. oh wells. so today was just bummin' around. went to gran's house for lunch. came back bummed around, watched lost. yeap that's about it. very very boring day. but since when have i not been boring ever since _________. so yeah, what's new?

tmr would be nice. tennis and just hanging out with fanny. TENNIS, finally tennis. yeap. oh i found this cool site. one of the the top wedding photographers in the WORLD! http://new.davidjay.com . that's it. the photos are really nice. haha! yeah weddings make me happy!

i'm going to sleep. i guess cos i just got nothing to do.

i deleted him from my msn. i just could not bear having him online cos i'd just be reminded.

i'm leaving you behind.