i'm slipping.

i'm selfish. all think about is myself. myself and my pathetic misery.
goodbye for now.

>>my LJ

i'm bored of blogger. i prefer something more simplistic. less is more.
click on the link only if you care enough.

dear blogger, here's my obsession

dear blogger,

here's my obsession.
yes, it's 99% him and 1% me.
the dictionary defines obsession as "a compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety". firstly, i am definately preoccupierd. and he is definately a fixed idea. this emotion/feeling is definately unwanted because i reallly know that i don't need this. cause all it is making me is miserable. period. and more often than not, i'm anxious and disturbed by it. and too often, i find myself in this mood swing-y terrible grouch abigail because of him. and because i'm so freaking selfish, i can't let go. i cannnot drive myself out of this fit for other people around me. everyone starts to wonder, whatever happened to gail? which makes me wonder. what have i become because of him. what have done? am i still me?
so here's it in black and white. literally. my obsession.

so apart from that depressing topic,

messenger:mac has been giving me problems so taking cassand's advice, i'm switching to adium which is kinda cool. yeaps. and aggie's macbook is friggin' cool. the isight is way insightful. ahhaa!

tmr, my first photojourn assignment is due. i hope i do well. i hope. i'm dabbling with a few ideas for my photo essay. autism, the singpore culture:food, love (not the cliche kind but the real one. like between father and son, between friends, between an old couple. not the teen-ish cheap love.), perspective.

and my interview for OIAP is tmr. hope i pass it! hmmm but i guess whatever is in His will la. i mean if i don't get it so be it. you know. but if i get it GREAT. yipee!!! i really do hope i get it. it's really what i wanna do. but if it's not what He wants for me, then i don't want it.

beautiful disaster.

eye bags

i have noticed those permanent fixtures on my face starting to grow bigger again.

sleep, i'm sleep deprived.

i realise i have countless assignments due on the week i'm gonna be away. like CRAP. there's MASSINA individual and group assignment due that week. and i haven't even started. bleah. what bad timing and what bad procrastination habits.

i had a really good time today.

lunch at aunt sally's was nice! the food was delicious! and the company was good. man trying too get aunt sally to understand the 4 golden spots rule in photography. gee.

then on to the BBQ. thanks aunt maggie, uncle timothy and esther for opening up ur place to us again! man i miss you guys. if you are ever going to read this. i hope you do! so we played the game "what if..." and like hell, i'm so frekaing popular out of 17 questions 3 were about me! like hello. questions like... "what if abigail weren't so loud", "what if abigail did not have a mouth", "what if abigail suddenly grew a brain"... seriously? gee. what kinda questions are those. you may as well ask "what if abigail weren't abigail". i have to say this. i'm loud. i admit to it. but that's who i am, and i don't think it'll change. i mean, if you find it repulsive go back to your corner and stay away. because nothing's gonna change. at least not soon. maybe one day... but definately not in the near future. the brain question... not so nice sister. but oh wells, just for fun right? bleah. so the food there was good too. the cake from awfully chocolate! YUMS.

i definately had my share of calories for like two or three days. hahahha but who cares right? okay, i shall go run. i will.

i guess today kinnda occupied me. gave me less free time. which is good. i mean think less about certain somethings and someone. but it's creeping back up slowly again.

last words? reka i hope you get well soon, get out of the depressing hospital!

BLACK HAWK DOWN!!!!!

did i ever freaking say that i LURVE war movies?
omg i HEART war movies.

i heart heart heart them!

just finished watching black hawk down AGAIN. man these are the kinda stuff that you can never get enough of. its like a drug you know. bleah... better than sitting there watching a match where CZECH REPUBLIC is loosing and watching phua swear endlessly cos' he can't take it like a man!

we clapped for pastor augustine today. haha! funny man.

but today was fine. very tiring tho'. not like physically tiring but mentally tiring. just had to take a breather and get down away from everyone else. so i locked myself in the youth room for about 15 mins or so. that's therapeutic. DEFINATELY. somehow today church was just too noisy for me. jarring. it was like hammering down on me.

it feels like that moment now in grey's where meredith goes like "pick me, choose me, love me."
which is awfully crazy. cos' it's so impossible.
whoever said that ignorance is bliss, you were SO wrong. SO wrong.
and it also feels like i'm george and i'm like "he doesn't even hear me".

to ignore doesn't make you forget.

stop messing with me head

i'm really messed up now.

the deprived sleep, the work and the YOU.
that feeling has faded. the feeling of relief. it has faded. long gone. lost. forgotten. now all that remains is the nostalgia. take that away and all that is left is you. as amazing it may seem, yes, you would be all that remains. try to take you away and what would be left is pain. the imprint of you. your shadow. but that is not what i want. all i want is you. not to possess you, but to be there for you. is it that difficult to acknowledge me? am i not good enough for you? no one is ever good enough for you aren't they. they're only good for a while. you don't get to judge me. you don't. because you've said so much and only done so little. all those empty promises. you trample on them, i know you do. because, i'm not good enough for your stupid promises. no, i'm not worth at least that much. you know why you will never get it, because what you're afraid of, will always come back round and shoot you in youur back when you least expect it. and one day, it'll come around. it will. it's give and take. i've been giving too much. and what i give you don't appreciate. i'm always the one taking the first step to salvage what's left of this stupid friendship, which sometimes i doubt is worth saving. am i one of those people that is not worth knowing? am i one of those who you think you don't need in your life. REDUNDANT. is that what i am to you? am i?

and as for you. i trusted you and you turn around and publicise what i tell you that's meant to be left in the secret. i got you all wrong. to think i even defended you. how dumb of me. how dumb.

"smile and the world smiles with you. cry and you cry alone".

now that's me.

blah blah blah

okay, i can't sign in to my MSN. ugh.

i developed my first FEW prints today. how cool is that.
i like it. i like it. i like it.

i found a new good show. CRIMINAL minds. it's damn cool.

i'm so LOST. lost lost lost. i'm so un-rested. i'm so stoned.
i feel crappy. but then again. WHAT'S NEW.

for a week. and then now, OMG. what's happening again. AGAIN. what the hell is going on. WHAT WHAT WHAT.

so confused, my heart's bruised....
ego bruiser

someone pull me out of this ditch.
this rut.
this perpetual lowlife i have sunk into.
it's all because of you, i can't believe it's all because of you.
why can't you care? why can't you at least care.
this is such a shame.

SPSS of abigail

do you know what's my biggest problem?

no the answer is not you. my biggest problem has to be my lazy procrastinating bum. seriously. i think i could get so much else done by just NOT being lazy. like going for a run! like going to play tennis!

baaaaah, unfortunately, i'm still lazy. how bad is that right? so i think i jsut completed my freaking IDM flash animation clip. like finally right. since i've been working on it since like May 11. or even before that. bleah... i like animation... its just that i really suck at it. like SERIOUSLY suck at it.

i'm really bored with this blogskin and i just realised that i have a MASSINA individual assignment due on the 4th of JULY. how i wish this was the states which means independance day which means holiday which means a later deadline. okay is it DEADline or DATEline. DEADline makes more sense, cos if you don't meet the DEADline you're (not litereally) DEAD.

you know what's my next biggest problem?

priorities.
i just can't get them straight sometimes. wait no most of the time.

and my next biggest problem?

selected perfectionism. what i like i cling onto. i do my best to do and i do till i crap in my pants. okay not literally. but what i don't like. i just push it aside wait till the last minute. never get started until i'm forced to. i wonder is perfectionism a gift or a curse. gosh.. tell me about it.

anyway, i gotta run. go do some freaking surveys for advertising. i did not sign up for advertising to do freaking RESEARCH. i should have take ad creatives. REGRET REGRET REGRET. bleahhh. sheesh.

goodbye to you

my cards are out on the table

it actually feels good you know. it actually does.

its like what george said in grey's...
"I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated."

i'm relieved. i feel like i've moved on already after saying what i said. i dunno! its like miraculous. it's like what i've been waiting for. its like i have finally let go. like TOTALLY. i feel liberated.

i can't explain this feeling. its like... WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

i'm so happy i'm actually laughing at myself to myself?!

like can anyone believe this?!!

its phenomenal!

i'm really hysterical. i really am!!!!!!

OMGGGGGG!!!! somebody... lol!

it's a pity its so late.... or i'll be running doown the street, shouting it from the rooftops!

this is GOOD. tell me its not as good as it gets!

What a day.

i woke up at like erm what... 11 am? and realised how screwed we were for advertising. so i made a few calls and ta-da. which brings me to school. i'm in school. IN SCHOOL. i did not intend to come to school man i'm tired. LIKE really tired. I'm stuck for IDM and tmr's class is until 10 pm. and if there's advert lecture and tutorial in the morning it leaves me with a freaking LONG break inbetween. bleahh...

so now i'm sitting here after wasting a full 8 bucks on a cab to school just done with the survey questions which i hope will get approved. or we are SO dead. bleah. and i have a feeling i'm gonna waste another 6 bucks on a cab back home. and i feel like i'm in the rut cos i have this feeling... and i'm just waiting for it to pass. waiting for it to pass.

song of the day? Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.
"would you lie with me and just forget the world...."

then there's you. you know. u've become a daily thing. like a habit. not in a good way. but not in a bad way either. you're like part of this routine that i have everyday. which really sucks. getting you out of my life can be my lifelong goal, which i don't think i'll never accomplish. sometimes i wonder if you know, or you realise that i still bother, a tad too much. bleah. you're a habit that i can't break.

You had me there.

since tuesday has been like a holiday.

but it's making me so uneasy because jenny low has yet to reply about our research proposal and survey questions. and it's like due like on the 13th!!!! which is about a week or so away. it's just so crazy. and then there's IDM. i'm just stuck there. not moving forward. cos of all the research that needs to be done and all the content that needs to be put in. GOSH, i'm so lazy.

oh wells.

so my parents aren't in town. so i've been NOT at home. lol! staying at elaine's place. like our second home. haha! well, but it's been fun and relaxing and therapuetic. takes my mind off stuff. ng therapy. bleah.

on friday, i went down to church early to help sabrina with the cell group stufff. haha! the murals were like hmmmmm... i got no comment.... my dove and the multitudes were nice okay!!! but the red sea parting one? omg sabrina, you so should have drawn the people. it would have looked much better. at around 5+ we went down to IKEA to meet esther! man haven't seen her in a long while. it was good to see her.

had dinner, bought the cake headed back to church. had cell group. it was fun, rowdy and enjoyable and all. :) wheee. lol!headed back home, reached home arounnd 1145. and there was this drunk woman. she was freaky man. like FREAKY. did the laundry, slept arond like 3 AM right?

i was called out of my sleep by aunt sally. lol! melissa's ROM was cool. but seeing aunt honey in that state was really saddening. almost heart breaking. i remember how she took care of my sisters and i when my mom ran into some stuff. but i just didn't know what to say you know. it's like you never thought it'll come to this.

being friends with you is really difficult cos you coast in and out when and how you wish. at that point in time, i really thought that you were... nevermind... you really had me there. you always have. reminds me of the whole "i can't breathe with you looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT ME!" mer/der moment.