first, i have to start by saying that the first day of work was not so enjoyable. i didn't expect the people there to be so unfriendly - except for a few staff like meiling, eugene, andrew and rebecca and of cos my dear pearlie. i don't expect you to be perfect, so please do not expect me to be. everyone makes mistakes and we learn from them. i guess it was the guests that actually made me feel more comfortable. there was this guy who like asked me some stuff which i totally had no idea about -

him: if i have a cake i get a free tea right?
me: i don't know... *wonders*
him: oh it's state outside
me: oh okay, then i guess so
him: you didn't know?
me: uhuh, i'm new. first day.
him: ah i see, its okay, i'll have..............

10 mins later

me: ______________ cake, enjoy your meal.
him: why you so tense? relax! i won't eat you up *laughs*

it may not seem like alot, but it really did help. so then i was standing for 6 whole hours and my back was driving me crazy. it hurt like mad. i was soooooo eager to knock off work. i just hope today would be different - better.

i couldn't sleep last night. when i finally fell asleep, i woke up again at 2. then again at 5. and i dreamt of you again. whwn i couldn't sleep all i could think about was you. maybe this has become an obssession. i hope not. soon, soon.

i've been thinking. phua and i were talking that day and i realised how messed up my life is. not int he worldly sense, but spiritually. it's just a scary thought, what if i died today? i know, yes, i'm a worship leader, i play the guitar for church, i serve yahweh. so what? my life is just not right. my classmates say,"gail, you're a pastor's daughter". how shameful is that? i told myself before going into poly that it will be different. i will be a living testimony. but look at me now. i feel like a failure. i've failed myself, i've failed those around me and most importantly, i've failed yahweh. i envy those in the ministry. everytime i watch the hillsong dvds, i wonder what is it like to live your life just for Him. to spend all of your days, just sitting at his feet, learning from Him. Giving him your best, your talents. if only. i wish i could be like them. so what if i observe the laws and blah blah blah, my life don't even show it. no, not a bit. i feel so helpless and so lost. my life is like a waste. i need a change. help me yahweh.