it's just you.

you're always just around the corner; it feels like you just gag me and take me by surprise.
not in a good way though, its only the feeling of you and nothing else.
then it just fades away and i remember that it's all gone...

its just even more disturbing that work can't even distract me. i've been in a foul mood since. step on my toes and i flare up. what's wrong with me?! what is?!

its really too much to take. i need to talk it out. face to face with someone, just anyone.

work's been fine. still working to get my nano. i've decided - BLACK, that's my colour. pearl's last day is on the 9th of october. sigh. my dear pearl why have you forsaken me?! i think i shall leave at the end of october. or should i keep my promise. okay i should keep my promise. so then till december. i shall quit on my birthday! haha! a self given birthday present. lol!

its you again. birthday presents.

anyway, i watched crash. fantastic show. great plot and cinematography. everyone should watch it. i've not had a movie in two weeks, i think. should go for one soon. maybe my next movie shall be GOAL. seems like a nice show.

its you again. soccer. then again, which guy does not like soccer except my brother.

yeap, that's it. i'm off work on sat, sun and mon. hahah feels good huh. but that means that i have to work longer to get my nano. sigghh. then i dun just want a nano, i want to send my guitar for refurbishing. that's gonna cost me a bit. okay, its really difficult for me to save, being the spendthrift i am. so help me. bleah.

anyway, i'm tired. i think you are too. reading me rant on about my boring, pathetic life. so another time then shall i bore you again with it. blah.

i've got nothing left to say.
i can't believe that you ask me if i'm alright. you your damn self centred head to think. what the hell do you think? and you say i should be? go AWAY.

to sleep last night was really hard.

i finally managed to put myself to sleep.

work was fine yesterday. putting on that pretense. that was more tiring than the work. have to do it again. i have to let go. the sooner the better. move on.

i need to. please don't waltz back into my life as yet.

its over. i can't believe you gave me that overused, f***ed up reason. you have no idea what you have done. and no, i'm not going to tell you, cos you can't be bothered to give a freaking shit about it. no you can't. don't pretend like you care. i know you don't. this is probably the stupidest thing i've done in my entire life of almost 18 years. you say it like it's for my own well being. look into the mirror, you don't care what the hell happens to me. you just care about yourself because you're still the same selfish jerk since the day i knew you. i was going to use the "bastard" word on you, but technically you're not one cos you have both parents. honestly, i pity them. wasting their life trying to raise you to be something you will probably never be. i know its so hypocritical to pretend to be all happy infront of you and cursing you behind your back. but so what. i think you deserve less than that. you deserve to be ignored, spat at, despised for all you have done. but there's one thing that i don't hold against you. telling me once and for all. cos then i can finally tell myself, you're not worth it. which is very true, you are not worth one bit of my life, affection or even mindspace. if i could draw a perceptual map of you, i don't think you should exist anywhere near the good side. go ahead and move on with your self centred life. i shall move on with mine, first, i'm gonna throw you out of my life, cos you don't deserve to be part of it. get lost. be gone from me.

please, Yahweh, help me to forgive.

first, i have to start by saying that the first day of work was not so enjoyable. i didn't expect the people there to be so unfriendly - except for a few staff like meiling, eugene, andrew and rebecca and of cos my dear pearlie. i don't expect you to be perfect, so please do not expect me to be. everyone makes mistakes and we learn from them. i guess it was the guests that actually made me feel more comfortable. there was this guy who like asked me some stuff which i totally had no idea about -

him: if i have a cake i get a free tea right?
me: i don't know... *wonders*
him: oh it's state outside
me: oh okay, then i guess so
him: you didn't know?
me: uhuh, i'm new. first day.
him: ah i see, its okay, i'll have..............

10 mins later

me: ______________ cake, enjoy your meal.
him: why you so tense? relax! i won't eat you up *laughs*

it may not seem like alot, but it really did help. so then i was standing for 6 whole hours and my back was driving me crazy. it hurt like mad. i was soooooo eager to knock off work. i just hope today would be different - better.

i couldn't sleep last night. when i finally fell asleep, i woke up again at 2. then again at 5. and i dreamt of you again. whwn i couldn't sleep all i could think about was you. maybe this has become an obssession. i hope not. soon, soon.

i've been thinking. phua and i were talking that day and i realised how messed up my life is. not int he worldly sense, but spiritually. it's just a scary thought, what if i died today? i know, yes, i'm a worship leader, i play the guitar for church, i serve yahweh. so what? my life is just not right. my classmates say,"gail, you're a pastor's daughter". how shameful is that? i told myself before going into poly that it will be different. i will be a living testimony. but look at me now. i feel like a failure. i've failed myself, i've failed those around me and most importantly, i've failed yahweh. i envy those in the ministry. everytime i watch the hillsong dvds, i wonder what is it like to live your life just for Him. to spend all of your days, just sitting at his feet, learning from Him. Giving him your best, your talents. if only. i wish i could be like them. so what if i observe the laws and blah blah blah, my life don't even show it. no, not a bit. i feel so helpless and so lost. my life is like a waste. i need a change. help me yahweh.

so much work, all in a day.

i woke up at 10. bummed around for a while. then sat down for breakfast and the rewatching of runaway jury. how nice. then it was off to tidying the whole house and mopping it. that was done in a jiffy. then it was off to church. sole motivation - the twins. haha!

so yes anna and i were really thirsty and so we wanted to buy juice unfortunately we are soooo poor that we were short 10cents.

anna: we can borrow from someone
me: er... i'm providing the $1.85 you go borrow the balance 10 cents.
anna: you go with me! (whinning)
me: no you go
anna: fine...

5 seconds later...

anna: ahhh!!! she dun haveee....

okay whatever. so then we jsut settled for minute maid. okay so then down to church. the twins were sooo excited. they just came from gym so they were still in gym mode climbing everywhere and anywhere. haha! yeah so cute. then i hung out with them for a bit before going down to help out clearing the carpark. what we did really reminded me of cambodia. oh wells. so then... yeah i was working workign working... went for a short break then working and working again. trying to occupy myself, unfortunate enough for me - clearing up is a no brainers job, so they whole time i was thinking of him. again. i know, hopeless. so it was down to just aunt christina and i clearing the whole carpark, sweeping up all the leftovers (not like food leftovers but like grass and dried leaves). i promise, i don't think i've seen the church carpark cleaner. seriously. okay then i went up for dinner and then some shouting and annoying things happen and then yeap home i go. and home it was. took a shower, started uploading photos. as you can see there are a few new albums. but forgive the narcism in some of the albums cos i was simply plain bored. yeah. anyway my arms are alll aching, together with my back. how am i gonna work tmr. first day of work. sighhh... i need to be impressive. first impressions do matter. i can smell my ipod nano. drools.

i'm still thinking of you. i'm still very much in love with you.

3 days, feels like forever.

to anyone who doesn't know and should know, i'm starting work at secret reciepe at PS next week. so feel free to drop by. i'm working towards my ipod nano. haha! and also my guiat refurbishing. so many things to pay for. and i still someone money for the racquet. gosh. my finances are tight. haha! right. so we had church today. and everything was as normal. the twins still as cute as ever. they have this new trick - you ask them "who's handsome" and they will eagerly throw their hands up in the air and shout "me!" haha! so cute right! yeah so i jammed with robin after church today. and yeah it was a blast. then i went down and then again it was a blast. the twins were just soo adorable. so the adults had their chit chat. we had our fun and it was time to go home. so here am i sitting here blogging for you people to read. i think. or is it for myself. my sister struggling with forming hypothesis statements.... which she asked me for help but i'm really OVER with MRM. really. so there you have it... all in abigail's day... not quite.

i've been dreaming of him like nonstop. really NON stop. it just sucks. i can't escape him at all. not one bit. since the hols i've missed him more. can't he just call, or drop me an email or whatever, just to show i still exist in his world. its just so difficult. its just so difficult to forget what he once said. what he once promised. someone said i should never trust guys when it comes to this... cos they always and never fail to let you down. i'll remember that the next time. but for now, its been said and done. what has become of me? what will become of me?

i need you.

it has been an eventful day.

other than the having to wait for that smug ass for soo long its been a good day. Camp ADEN has been postponed to the 7-10th of March 2006. oh wells that leaves me with alot of time. giappy is probably gonna quit the comm... i'm actually thinking of it too, but... oh wells i'll see. okay so after that meeting, i went to speak with gopi for awhile about a supposed upcoming gathering for the takhmau mates. i then went to meet gary to get my elixirssss.... ELIXIRS!! ahhaah. okay then eliz came along. and then it was....

cinderella man!

okay knowing the movie buff i am, i would also be a movie critic. but there's not one thing to criticise about the movie. its all praises for the movie and only praises.

let's start with the basic. the plot - it was fantastic. the build up to the climax and the ending. splendid. the cinematography - marvellous. the use of the grainy look was classic in bringing out the essence of the film. just right. the casting was then again perfect. russell crowe fits the role perfectly. his eyes can hold that amount of weight, the determination. it the kind of movie that makes you jump out of your seat. the kind that gets you so involved in the show, you feel like you were right there at the place. and if you knew me better, its the kind of movie that if i were sitting at home watching it, i would be shouting, screaming and jumping. yes. me going crazy, bannanas. the excitment was just unbearable. i could not sit still. and they says its just a movie. it just makes me want to be there. i'm glad i caught the show in the cinemas. it deserves nothing less than that. what i can say is that it was worth every cent in my pocket or more.

so guys, if anyone is thinking of catching a movie. cinderella man is definately the number one choice.

that aside, i've decided to go for the job at sheraton. i know weird working hours. but come on! 6 bucks and hour? no way. i can smell my ipod nano. hahah. yeap. so there, the interview is tmr. i'm gonna snag the job, i hope. so yeah. anyway its the bed for me now. gotta catch the sleep cos my eye bags ain't getting any better.

i've missed you. i'm still missing you.

a new blogskin where the stupid image is NOT displaying.

yes i know. no chatterbox, or any place for you to talk. yi sze that's what u're gonna say right? but i dun want a crowded layout... i'll put up something, soon. so its been a dreadful two or three days. i how long has it been i don't know. i lost track of time. but in any way, its been very unpleasant except for the part where i meet up with esther or the part where i sit and chat with eliz or fanny. i'm just thinking... what have we all come to. all this gossip and back biting and what not... i feel ashamed for myself and for all others out there. its not easy to be able to sit there and just pretend the whole world is a bed of roses without thorns - which by the way does not exist. its just extremely embarrassing. this kinda gossip and back biting in school ain't that bad... but in a church? gosh... you've gotta be kidding me. like HELLO?! its a church?! bleah. beats me.

anyway, its getting late. and i'm still tired as usual. and i've got this freakign irritating blocked nose. soo uncomfortable. how am i gonna sleep tonight. bleah. plus my bed is horrid. totally no support for my dear back... which is ACHING. sigh. why am i dreading sleep. what a joke. someone can actually dread sleep. maybe i'm dreading sleep cos sleeping means i have to move on tmr to sit in the same room as that ignorant, proud, haughty, MCP. gaaahh... CAMP ADEN... *shakes head* but what i'm looking forward to is the movie with eliz and my pack of elixir strings! wheeee!

yes i need to go. and yes i'm still a wreck. and yes, it's because of you. yes you. you know who you are. and so do they.

its been only a day.

it feels like a week.

you know why, just not being me again. since when have i been me right? i mean since then, i've never been me.

i need a job. i want a job. cos i want my ipod nano.

i'm going to meet esther on monday. bowlin' - but not for soup, just for fun. another thing i need? tennis. yeah, TENNIS. i've not played since i don't know when.

i need to forget.

i want to just fade away...

exams are over...

yeap. i'm not very excited about it. cos i have less to think about. which means more of you. i need something that can occupy me better than you can. so yesh on with it. after the exams, we hung out - nicole, yawen, liz, amanda, robyn and shane. the eight of us. it was carls jr. and then we just walked and walked and talked and talked and laughed and laughed and bitched (the last of which i'm not very proud of, but its what we did). so we had a really good time.

so then it was down to church. had a great time of worship. seems like the only time i can ever take my mind off you. i know. pathetic. but i guess its my only escape.

that aside, i was really tired so i slept till 12 and i have come up with 10 reasons why i am not a real woman.

10. i don't talk like so super softly
9. i hate the whole be slim and beautiful thing (cos i'm not haha!)
8. i hate the whole soapy... let's cry about it thing. i admit yes crying can be stress relieving, but crying over like whoever knows what. no. not me
7. i like to be sweaty, of cos not all the time, but when i do sports (some people think its not even human, but it proves work)
6. i find burping and farting fascinating, i mean if you need to let it go, you have to...
5. i don't like all the uber dressy things, like wearing necklaces and earings, i think they are redundant
4. i don't like to wear skirts which i believe are for women
3. i don't like long hair, not on me
2. all the preppy sutff like how you sit, how you walk, how you should speak, things you shouldn't say blah blah blah... i think they're crap.

number one on the list:

i don't understand how women take sooo super long in the toilet even if its just a piss. it just does not make sense. i mean in the toilet cubicle not the toilet-toilet...

with this i conclude... i'm not a real woman. i'm not confused. i'm just not the real woman people expect women to be you know the kind in shows and blah blah blah. no, not me. i'm just plain me - XX chromosoned and lovin' it.

mrm is overrrr.... OVER! like wheee! hahah! SPSS be gone from me, you vile programme that still plagues my laptop with installation prompts... haha

oh wells. so now its all down to advertising. other groups have gotten back their reports. not us. its just not there. so i guess we'll have to go in blind. sheesh. yeah. okay so yesterday, pearl, lynn, han yuen, say wee and i, were supposed to study advertising. we ended up laughing and talking and what not. but nevermind... exam stress... excusable. haha! yeah. so today pearl is supposed to be coming over. she's supposed to be here anytime. but i have a feeling she's gonna be really late. haha.

*shouts out*my dear pearl... WHERE ARE YOU?

yeap. so i'm left with never ending 5 chapters of advertising. blah. that's like soooooooo much... *spreads arms out wide*. hahas. i just realised how broke i am. i drew money yesterday and i'm left with 40 bucks in my account. so i have 40 bucks with me.. so that leaves me with 80bucks. i need you guys to return me money!!! for the newpaper project. u know... 4 dollars per person. you guys know who you are.... grrrr.... yisze... i got ur paul frank shirt as leverage... haha! i'm insane. really. haha...

i just realised something... i don't use any other punctuation except for .!' in my posts. i should seriously start considering proper punctuation and spelling for that matter. cos my spelling really sucks. and being in mass comm my english is supposed to be good.... hmmm *ponders*. okay i shall try. unfortunately, i'm nearing the end of my post; but i got a few lasts words.

sheesh. sounds like i'm passing.

i still want my ipod nano. anyone with job recommendations, please inform me! as long as the working hours are quite flexible. i can't work on friday evenings (1900 hrs onwards) and saturday mornings and afternoons (before 1900). yeap. i need to earn about 800 plus, so that i will still have savings.

the frustrating thing is, i was lying in bed last night. i couldn't sleep. i was trying to put my mind at ease, relax, but it just wasn't working. thanks to you. i wondered what could have been. then i wondered, what would have been if you never came into my life. things might be so much more peaceful, so much less tiring. then again - those moments with you, i'd never trade for anything. this pain, i trade only in exchange for you.

ipod - nice

ipod mini - quite nice

ipod nano - IRRESITABLE!

i must get it. i'm motivated to get a job. someone get me a job.

which would you prefer?

the silent treatment a.k.a the cold war

or

the heated argument

i choose the second. what's worse than feeling unwanted or ignored? throw me out of your life.

be that way. you're not worth me feeling like shit. at least i try to convince myself.

mrm tomorrow. for now i;m still stuck on advert... i woke up at 1030. before everyone except andrea. u know what. i've been studying since then and i've not even completed four chapters. i know. loser. bleah. i dunno what's become of me. sigh.

i went out on thursday with robin, eliz, gary and jacque. caught longest yard. its super funny. but somehow i didn't enjoy the movie that much. after that we went for supper at jalan kayu, sat down to just talk. really crappy stuff. like the supernatural and stuff. haha. then jacque drove us to gary's place and gary drove me back. thanks phua for the lift.

anyway i was talking to robin yesterday. and i realise how much of myself i've lost. i think all that is left of me is pride and anger. i'm just so afraid that i'm gonna lose you forever, and together lose myself. so i'm so afraid to let go. i'm sorry i offended you but in return you did not offend me... instead you hurt me. when i hear them talk about your past with you and her, i just wanna shut them out. what has become of me. like the exams are just less than 24 hrs away and i'm still bothered by this. i need someone to pull me out of this mess i've gotten myself into. but then again. i dun wanna get out of the mess. i wanna tidy the mess. i want it to go back to the way it was. you know. ahhh. this is sooo bloody tiring. so draining.

i shall leave you, one of the spectators of my pathetic, pitiful unwanted being, to bury myself in my books. goodbye for now.

i've almost finshed today's quota. but i think i shall go out first. haha! my my.
but i'll finish it tonight. yea TONIGHT.

i made a pact with eliz. by the end of the month we'll know.

but for now.

this is enough for me.

You know me best.
You know my heart.
You love me more than anyone else.
everything -
in Your time.
in Your plan.
i place my life in Your mighty hands.
i surrender to You.

yesterday. i finished studying 4 chapters of media research methods. i promise hypothesis testing, chi-square and correlations are totally foreign to me. i have no clue what it is all about. like TOTALLY. okay so in the evening we went over to aunt theresa's house to bake cookies. yummy. haha. the twins were there for quite a bit. they've really grown alot so fast. can stil remember them as tiny little beings. hahah but they're waay cuter now. ahah. yeap. so then the baking and the baking and the eating. YUMS. slurp.

okay so i was supposed to wake up today at 9 to study. but no. i slept till 11. damn. then i tried to understand hypothesis testing, chi-square and correlation all over again.. but i still can't so forget it. move on. so i've finished the chapter on research ethics. so i'm left with 3 more chapters for the day. then i'm going out with eliz, robin, gary and jacque. haha! yay! bleah.

anyway. a shout out to my group mates this sem. for advert, we braved the worst. and we pulled through in the end. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. to mrm. the four of us... we rock!!! hahah! study hard. don't waste that grade! to MM. we've done well too. decision making assignment was fantastic. i think business plan was good too. so there you have it. tv prod. to hell with it. we've done it. i mean we managed to pass and did not get slammed. so haha. lastly for newspaper proj. to the people who deserve to be thanked. thank you. thanks for sticking together. you guys were very comforting to have around.

so there you have it the soap opera of year 2 sem 1 summarised in a paragraph.

it reminded me of you again. yes AGAIN. i hate thinking of you. i hate getting up and you being the first thought of my day. i dread my waking everyday. everything you said, it was a lie. why must you be always lingering at every corner. that street, that shop, that eatery, that song, that movie. i dare not tell anyone because i'm afraid it'll hurt too much. those moments that used to be precious. they are moments of pain. i think i'm nothing to you. nothing. you said it yourself.

its over. i mean the projects. handing in the paper later. these past few days have been rough. esp for yawen and yisze. you guys are such darlins! hahaha yeah. it was fun staying at yi sze's place. haha all the nonsense and all the work. then lai came over and haha! u know the story... you do the math. so we got it printed on sunday and i went to meet ken and elaine. haha. yeap. then home i go. u realise the story is going too smooth to be true. cos i excluded some unpleasant parts for the sake of my sanity. i can't believe she used the f*** word on me. i was trying to hold myself together. she really teated my patience there.

but its just been tough for all four of us there. i mean taking so much shit from someone is commendable. trust me. all the subbbing until we cant sub and all the laughing till we cry. one word - unforgettable.

well i guess it over. and the hols would do us all some good. i hope so. it would be perfect. oh wells. i don't wanna think about it so much already. its just that everything is sooo hypocritical. everyone including myself.

forget it. its just tooo tiring to think about it. move on.

speaking of move on. sigh. i'm still unhappy with what you did. you didn't even apologise.