i've finished my COMM ISS paper on e-shoppers!!! well cheers!

okay its been a week. time flies. i'm already into week 5 of my second semester of my second year. i'm just about slightly more than a year away from my graduation i hope. well so all i've done in the past week is work and work. fortunate enough for me i had a breather on sunday. I went to grace assembly and the sermon was good - holiness. after the service, poh kwan, von, huiyi and i went out to meet joanne and audrey. had a good time just talking and catching up. and no, we did not go cam whoring. maybe another time. So then after that i went over to huiyi's place. its nice. really nice. her room is cosy and man she has SOOOOO many medals. we relived some secondary school memories.

man i miss those days but i'm also glad that i'm where i am today. But still where i am today? mediocracy, or less than mediocre. so i was walking back with huiyi and i just started to wonder where would i be if i did not go poly. then i remember seeing a prayer that huiyi wrote which she pasted up in her room. The prayer had expressed her fear of failure and had said that even if she fails, she's contend as long as it is in His hands. You know sometimes i wish i could be like her, she has non christian parents but yet she has this faith that i think can stand more than mine. i envy her. i really wish that my walk is right. i try to change, i try to let Him work but somehow it's just not working. maybe it is but i just don't know it yet. sometimes i feel like i got no purpose. i need a purpose. Your purpose.

I've been talking to him alot these days. Honestly, he still makes me laugh. he still makes me smile. despite all that he has done to me. sometimes i blame myself for not being able to hate him. szela, anytime i'd choose someone who can make me laugh rather than someone who can get me excited. excitement is short lived, one day when he calls you won't be excited. but if he can make you laugh, he can always make you laugh again. you know how i imagined passing my 18th birthday which is in exactly a month's time? its not happen. NO its not. and somehow there's an episode of gilmore girls where rory experiences the exact same thing. but no matter how many people around me celebrates it with me, it'd still be lonely. because the person who matters is not there. maybe he wont even remember. maybe i should be a robot. then everytime something goes wrong, i can load a new programme and after loading.... meet the new abigail version 1.18.

eighteen is the .......... loneliest .......... number.