the moment in time

when we were all little we all had dreams. some girls dream of being in white wedding dresses with their prince charming waiting for them at the altar and their dad walking them down the red carpet with flowers daintily scattered over it. mine was very much the opposite. i've dreamt of travelling the world. i've dreamt of being some big shot photographer/designer. but my most abandoned and still dearest dream is the one to be a neurosurgeon. no, it's not about the show grey's anatomy. it's not about mcdreamy. its about what i want to do. i want to be the person who can tell someone after he/she believes their life is over that "hey, you've got a second chance". i want to be able to go inside someone's head and right a wrong. but don't we all, when reality is shed upon us, abandon these dreams we as children have hoped upon. we settle for less. we walk away because we are afraid that we would fail. but because the child in us never dies... one day, your dreams will come back and all you feel then is a sense of lost that washes over you.

that is how i felt when joanne told me that tracy is studying neuroscience. suddenly i felt unaccomplished. i think to myself. what if i had went to jc and then tried for medicine. then i tell myself, i'm not smart enough. but this is all but an excuse. but after all, this is something i have to live with. the WHAT IFs of life.

today, i saw another person's quest to a dream being put to a halt. even though i expected lesheng to beingg given the "golden handshake" it was still not a pleasant sight. it only occured to me that he has no family here as he is from china. it's quite trying and it takes alot of courage to go through something like that without your family supporting you. and for the record, he has a really nice voice. the guys started crying after they got off air and it was a really awkward position to be in. do i intrude that moment of weakness and take the photo that will be a good journalistic shot or do i lean on the side of compassion. i was at the recieving end of an uncompasionate jounralist once. when i was in sec 3 and had just finished 3 last on a race that we were supposed to be the top 8 at least. i had pushed myself so far i couldn't stand because of all the acid. i was crying from the pain and all that journalist want to do was snap a picture. fortunately i had teammates who were kind enough to ask her/him to leave. is that how they felt when i was taking those photos? bare and helpless. did they feel like the prey?

maybe i am thinking too much tonight or rather tthis chilly morning. oh wells. i had finished Vanishing Acts already. the book is very good and i recommend it to anyone who is finding for good reading material.

well i'm finally heading to bed.

quote of the day:
Memory is the only way home. --Terry Tempest Williams, as quoted in Listen to Their Voices